Canada Is A Parody

November 14th, 2019 | RR

Our first black prime minister and clown prince, Justin Trudeau, was re-elected to a near majority with 157 seats after breaking ethics codes multiple times and interfering in a criminal prosecution against a corrupt multi-national corporation. Meanwhile, Don Cherry, a Canadian icon, was fired by Sportsnet for saying, “You people, at least, could pay a few bucks for a poppy.” If all of this doesn't sound like something you'd read about in the pages of The Onion, you don't know much about satire. This year will, in fact, go down in history as the year Canada was officially recognized as a global parody and laughing stock.

Canada hasn't ever really been a real country, per se. We have no military capable of defending our borders, our economy is largely dependent on the United States and we have no real, distinct culture of our own—except for our love of mediocre coffee shops and beer that tastes like carbonated piss. Canada has always been a vassal, rather than a sovereign country. Despite all of our leaf-waving patriotism and anti-American sentiments, we are not anything more than a tiny bird surviving on an elephant's back. The only difference is, you don't usually see those other little birds arrogantly pecking at the elephant and lamenting the elephant's existence.

Canada is an entitled and whiny little free-loading teenager living in America's basement.

Canada always has been and probably always will be America's little vassal state, but that's not what I want to talk about here. I want to talk about what a joke this country has become over the past few years and how oblivious to their own hypocrisy and entitlement Canadians have become. These are five ways in which Canada has become a parody, a joke and a satirical mess of misguided progressivism and hypocrisy.

5. Canada's Arrogance Is So Undeserved, It Makes People Laugh

According to polls, only 25% of Canadians approve of Donald Trump. The other 75% think he's a lying, racist, misogynistic, arrogant asshole who is destroying America's reputation in the world. These numbers are strange, considering that more than 25% of Canadians re-elected Justin Trudeau, who is a lying, racist, misogynistic and arrogant asshole who is destroying Canada's reputation in the world.

To be fair, Trudeau lost the popular vote. However, he and his Liberals were the beneficiaries of strategic voting—meaning that people who didn't necessarily want him to win voted for him anyway, to stop Andrew Scheer. The funny thing about all of this is that so many Canadians think Andrew Scheer is worse than Justin Trudeau—meaning, they must think Scheer is also worse than Donald Trump. It also means that a healthy portion of strategic Liberal voters also think Justin Trudeau is better than Donald Trump.

You can't make this stuff up. Slightly more than 30% of Canadians, most of whom live in the GTA, think Andrew Scheer—a guy who never dressed up in blackface, never violated any ethics codes, never played dress-up in India, never groped a female reporter, didn't grow up as the rich son of a prime minister, and who is a pious and wholesome Christian—is somehow worse than Justin Trudeau. That same 30% is more than likely to contain some of the same 75% who hate Donald Trump for being a lying, racist, amoral, pussy-grabbing sack of shit.

Seriously, though. You can't make this stuff up. The same people who hate Donald Trump are the same people who re-elected Justin Trudeau. The same arrogant, self-righteous Canadians who ridicule Americans and scoff at their idiocy are the same Canadians who voted for Justin Trudeau. It's almost impossible to fathom or rationalize, but it's what makes Canada the country it is today. To any normal non-Canadian, it must be hilarious.


4. Canadians Believe Everything They See In The “News”

One of the reasons 75% of Canadians hate Donald Trump so much is because 75% of Canadians believe everything they read in the Globe & Mail, Maclean's and CBC News. They believe everything they watch on the CBC and CTV news channels, without even bothering to question any of it—ever. Canadian news is so heavily slanted in one direction, most coverage of Conservatives and Donald Trump is negative, even when they do something positive.

Before I go further, I will link you to a Pew Research study from 2018 that shows 73% of Canadians saying that they believe their country's news media covers political issues fairly. The proof is in the pudding.

All a CBC headline has to do is say, “Donald Trump Unloads A Racist Rant”, and Canadians will proceed to talk about how racist he is—without actually bothering to read the details or critically think about what they've read. They won't even find the courage to ask questions whenever they have them. That leads into my next reason about the illusion of “Canadian Politeness”, which I'll eventually get into below.

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"Canada always has been and probably always will be America's little vassal state."

Our few private, major news networks are run by unions like Unifor, which bend heavily to the left and against anything even remotely right-wing. During our 2019 election, the head of Unifor—which runs Shaw and Global News—pledged to defeat Andrew Scheer at all costs. The very fact that none of this raised any red flags or created any outrage in Canada tells you everything you need to know.

Our largest news provider is publicly owned and it spent most of 2019 overtly and shamelessly attacking Andrew Scheer and Donald Trump. Canadian taxpayers funnel more than one billion dollars into the CBC without batting an eye, only to have Liberal talking points regurgitated and turned into news stories that get fed back to them. If that isn't a punchline in and of itself, you must not have a very good sense of humour.

Canada's media is a joke. We have no independent, mainstream news networks that cover politics and social issues fairly. Almost daily, we are bombarded with stories about gay transgender minorities being persecuted and discriminated against by evil white settlers, all while being forced to ingest anti-American sentiments and perpetual anti-Trump narratives.


3. Canadian Politeness Is An Illusory Myth

At first glance, Canadians appear polite to most foreigners, but that's not the whole story. We'll say sorry when we bump into you, we'll smile and nod when we see you and we'll politely say something like, “Let me just squeeze by you there, and get past you, eh. Sorry,” when we want you to get the fuck out of our way—but don't be fooled. That's not us being polite, that's us being passive aggressive.

When a Canadian tells you he wants to “sneak by you there real quick, sorry, eh!” you can be sure he is going to get into his car and unload to his wife about that fucking moron that was standing in his way.

You see, Canadians aren't actually polite, they're just passive aggressive, backstabbing weasels who don't like direct confrontation. For every polite gesture, there is an abrasive insults or dagger being hurled at the recipient of the “politeness”. If you're a Canadian, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

You can see how passive and adverse we are to confrontation by who we elect, how we talk, and how we carry ourselves. It's woven into our cultural DNA. Rather than call someone an idiot to their face, we'd much rather just nod, say sorry, smile and complain to our spouses later. It's the Canadian way. Most acts of Canadian politeness are two-faced, passive aggressive attempts to avoid uncomfortable situations. It's not complicated, really.

Imagine a Monty Python-style skit with a bunch of passive aggressive morons bumping into each other, saying sorry, then waving their fists behind each other's backs. That's Canada.


2. Canada Punishes People For Speaking And Protecting Themselves

Remy Couture is a Quebec filmmaker and visual artist who was once charged with “corrupting morals” after making a realistic zombie film that a bunch of dumb hosers thought was a real snuff film. There are even more cases of thieves and vandals breaking into people's houses, being beat up or killed, and the owners of the property being charged as criminals.

Canada still has archaic hate speech laws and laws that protect trespassers from being beaten and killed. In Canada, if you say something mean enough, you can be charged with hate speech or fined thousands of dollars by a “human rights tribunal”. Even if you were just joking.

Mike Ward is a Canadian comedian who was fined nearly $40,000 for making fun of a disabled person. A Quebec (yes, them again) tribunal ruled that Ward had “violated Jeremy Gabriel's rights” by joking about his disability.

To sum it up for you: you can't make nasty jokes that hurt people's feelings, but you can vandalize property or break into someone's house without facing the wrath of the property owners. In Canada, protecting yourself, your family and your property is more of a crime than trespassing—and telling a crude joke could either land you in prison or bankruptcy.

What a joke.


1. Canadians Prefer Terrorist Oil Over Their Own

This final point is the cherry on top of this ridiculous Canadian cake.

Canadians have spent the last decade actively trying to shut down their own oil and gas industries in BC, Alberta and Saskatchewan so they can import oil from Saudi Arabia and other unethical, warmongering and bigoted countries from the Middle East. The same country that prides itself by holding endless pride parades—and forcing all political leaders to participate—is the same country that imports millions of barrels of oil from countries that behead and imprison homosexuals for being homosexuals.

You can't make this stuff up. This, literally, beats some of the best satire you've ever seen.

Environmentalists duped by American industrialists constantly protest pipelines being built in Canada, while ignoring the ones being built in the United States—more than 15 over the past ten years, to be exact. Along with being one of the top weapons suppliers to Saudi Arabia, Canadians import more than $10M worth of Saudi oil per day. Most of it goes to the Irving Oil refinery in Saint John, New Brunswick.

Between 2007 and 2017, Canada imported $21B worth of Saudi oil. Canada continues to import copious amounts of unethical Saudi oil today, while the Trudeau government does everything in its power to fulfill the Rockefeller family agenda of shutting down Canadian production. The Rockefellers are still heavily invested in American oil, along with several other US industrialists. In the early 1900s, the Rockefeller's Standard Oil became Exxon and Chevron, but the family still earns most of its money from oil stocks and investments. It's mostly their money, along with other industrialist dollars, that fund the Tides Foundation—one of the biggest anti-oil forces operating in Canada right now. The goal is to keep investors more interested in American and Saudi oil, while curbing Canada's potential to reach foreign markets.

However, most Canadians are too busy being typical, lazy hosers who can't be bothered to read anything that doesn't look like a hockey score or a Tim Horton's menu. Even if they knew the real reasons behind protests against Canadian oil, they'd be too passive and weak to start a confrontation. Journalists like Vivian Krause have spent years dissecting and writing about how it all works, but Canadians are too pre-occupied with their trivial, hockey-loving lives to care.

As for Saudi Arabia, they're still getting rich off Canadian money and oil dependence. They're doing some crazy things with that money, too. When the Saudis aren't busy kidnapping and murdering journalists, they're busy beheading homosexuals. Just this past spring, it was reported that Saudi Arabia beheaded five men who had been “proven gay”. In Saudi Arabia, being gay is still punishable by death.

If you're a Canadian hoser, though, you wouldn't have known any of this—which is exactly why your country is a total fucking parody.

© 2019 Poletical