Smug Canadians Eat Crow
January 1st, 2021 | SP
My smug Canadian friends, I hope you are enjoying your serving of rotten crow. For many months we have been subjected to your deranged obsession with admonishing the Americans and their leadership. What idiots those Americans must be for allowing the pandemic to run rampant and for electing a corrupted buffoon like Donald Trump. How could they do nothing and be so wilfully stupid while people die and while their leader follows up every misstep with yet more missteps?
How does that crow taste now, you smug and self-righteous Canadians?
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As the virus rips through our Liberal heartland of Toronto and Ontario, is that crow tasting as sweet as it should? As your prime minister faces scandal after scandal, followed by corrupt dealings and a suspension of parliament to hide it all, is that crow going down smoothly? Please make sure not to choke on that delightful poultry.
How Is That Jobless Rate Going?
As Canada's unemployment rate stays stuck at 8% while the American economy surges and its unemployment rate continues to slip closer to 6%, are you feeling good enough to down that whole crow? Perhaps some water might help it slide down your smug Canadian throat.
That's right, America's economy must run on the fuel of idiocy. There could be no other explanation. For years, you have been telling us that Americans are too stupid to be as great and wonderful as yourself and your fellow Canadians. What could have went so wrong? How could those idiots to the south be enjoying more jobs, more wealth and better fortunes than we, brilliantly smug Canadians?
This defies all logic.
How Is That Pandemic Going?
More than 2,000 new cases a day in some provinces. Quebec and Ontario are both out of control, when just a couple of months ago Canadians were shocked at the case counts in the United States. Trump is such an idiot, you proclaimed. Even though the president's involvement in the affairs of each state is negligible, much like Trudeau's involvement with provinces, what an idiot that president was for letting the virus run amok in his country.
Can you taste that crow now?
The provinces with the heaviest lockdowns appear to be doing the worst. Ontario has been in perpetual states of lockdown since the spring, yet cases are dramatically higher than when this pandemic began. British Columbia and Alberta have chosen to tread more lightly in the world of lockdowns and are seeing fewer cases now than Ontario and Quebec.
Just months after declaring Americans morons and their situation a nightmare fueled by delusions of pesky freedom and constitutional liberty, we smug Canadians now face fewer freedoms and more cases than we could have imagined in the summer. A vaccine is finally on the way, albeit, almost delayed until September because of our prime minister's bungled management.
"Please make sure not to choke on that delightful poultry."
Was it little Justin who fast-tracked vaccine production under a program called Operation Warp Speed? Of course not, but if our reaction to Trump's leadership were to be judged, we would assume that little Justin was the one who deserves all the credit. With an average of 6,500 new cases a day in Canada, we should be thankful to our American friends for their ingenuity and brilliance in creating a vaccine and giving us hope for tomorrow.
How Is All That Corruption Going?
I could not imagine the outcry had Donald Trump somehow ordered his Justice Department to shut down committees and investigations about him and his dubious business dealings while in office. The Canadian smugness would be at peak levels in such a profound case of blatant corruption. Trump is a corrupt maniac, you would have proclaimed. Your proclamation would have been followed by a reminder about Russia, Russia, Russia.
Offering government money to friends, hiring friends to do government work and forcing silence on opposition during investigations... it all sounds very much like cronyism and corruption. It sounds an awful lot like something we would hear about from an Eastern European country, but it is happening right here in Canada. But, but, never mind all of that! Did you not hear the news? Donald Trump gave tax dollars to Trump hotels to shelter secret service agents and foreign diplomats.
But, but, Donald Trump is trying to stage a coup! He won't leave the White House after Biden is inaugurated and will have to be escorted out! Oh, and Russia, Russia, Russia!
Give us all a break from your Canadian smugness, we beg you. You must live in an alternate reality of sorts to believe your country defines the perfect liberal democracy. You have a prime minister who funnels tax dollars into the pockets of his family and friends by awarding contracts to organizations with explicit ties to himself and his Liberal colleagues. Yet, you bat not a single eye.
Save us your self-righteous lectures. Save the rest of us Canadians your smugness and delusions of superiority. We care not to indulge you and your fanciful thoughts of grandeur. We are all Canadians and we all belong to a country that has not lived up to the standards expected of a democracy built on freedom, fairness and justice.
Perhaps, after you have finished swallowing that filthy crow, you will come to your senses.
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